He Gets Me~
The new found purest parts of my soul didn’t come to me from visiting a monastery or attending a revival. It came in the process of division. Dividing the “real” world sanctuaries from the non-tangible sanctuary within. I came to understand that God is more than one dimension, He doesn’t fit in a box or only speak to us when we are on our knees. He knocks on the soul’s door.
My long ago past with the church convinced me that I could never be good enough for God or have access to Him. I became determined not to be hoodwinked by other people's standards of getting to God.
There was a day I finally realized neither religion or the “real world” could help me. Instead I opened my soul's door and found Him still standing in my presence--He had never left me. Surrendering to Him, that was the only answer. The day I died to myself it wasn’t me and them anymore, it was me and Him. I found myself crying like a baby on my knees beside my bed, emptying my pockets of all the thoughts and actions I had thought could carry me through life. I told Him, “this is me and this is how I have pretended to thrive and survive.” The little girl in me realized the false identity within and now I was ready to let go of those false identities that didn’t belong. I felt safe.
I realized I am loved the way I needed to be loved once and for all. I was ready to follow my Creator in the example of ChristGod in the flesh. The acts of Jesus aren’t like any other that I’ve found. He is multidimensional. He is fun, challenging, sets boundaries, gives me choices, and seems to produce more sorcery than Harry Potter himself. He is a clear, bright light straight to the Holy Land of Milk and Honey. I know Him as a lover like no other, a giver without conditions, a teacher with an authority that I respect, and a willingness to hand over His life.
I tried to put myself in His position for just a second. Could or would I willingly give my life in place of Zoe’s? Christ did that for all of us with our human troubles, heartaches, questions, and fears, yet He willingly surrendered. Willingly giving my life for any one person would be a challenge. I’ve found deep troubles contemplating such a request from myself. I find it difficult to surrender trivial things like letting go of worry and irritable human triggers let alone giving my life for someone. Asking to die in place of your child isn’t like the movies depicts. If cancer was an out of control bus I could have possibly jumped in front of to protect her, I would have. But a slow death like cancer isn’t something I could take away. Toying with the idea of doing what Christ did to replace myself for a suffering child. Was that possible? I knew it wasn't in reality.
When Zoe was dying in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, I asked these questions:
“God, do you want me to go instead of her?”
“Can I do this instead of her?”
“Should I be asking to do this instead of her?”
“Why can’t you just fix this? You are Omnipresent!”
It’s breathtaking to see what God can do before your eyes. He creates and He reclaims. His ways are not necessarily for us to understand. Which is another place of surrender and finding the purest parts of your soul. Coming to terms with not understanding is the doorway to walk through into the path of surrender.
I found it easier to ask from the place of realizing that it wouldn’t happen. The answer was always the same, “You can not walk this walk for her.” I felt selfish and ashamed when I truly realized this wasn't a bargaining deal. It was her journey not mine in the body of cancer. At this point I had to put my questions down and put my heart into tending her delicate body and gentle spirit in her last moments. I chose to support her in the worst pain and suffering seen in my lifetime. My visceral heart never stopped crying even when my tear ducts took a pause. I held and prayed as much life into death as possible.
As I allowed God to become the source of my strength, useless parts of me died. In the darkness, He was the light on this treacherous path and had been there the whole time. He continues to knock on my soul’s door every day and offers me His sanctuary in the choice of choosing Him over the world.
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